Thursday, October 23, 2008

Damn, dirty ape.

Dear Campbell,

I saw your interview with Governor Schwarzenegger yesterday and Campbell, I’m a little shocked. I’ve never seen you so doe-eyed and smiley before. Perhaps the reason I noticed your adoration is because your “No Bias, No Bull” show is shot from an inferior angle that you look powerfully over and the interview was a superior angle that looked down on you and showed your true femininity. The painful thing is that I became more in love with you after seeing your girly smiles at Gov. Terminator 2 (I recognize the sexist deconstruction I’m opening myself up to with that statement, but whatever), and my heart aches, knowing that lovely sweetness was not meant for me.

For his part, Schwarzenegger looked like a gorilla in a business suit. Why did you seat him in such a tiny chair? His knees were practically drawn up to his prominent brow ridge, and his arms dangled like Fred Flintstone’s. I know why. You wanted to see his pants bunched up around his genitals, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!

Jealously,

C

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