Thursday, December 18, 2008

Things I’ve Discovered In 2008

In no particular order or importance. And, once again, feel free to add:

1. The smile icon :) is ambiguously flirtatious and should be used sparingly between heterosexual men.
2. If you can’t moonwalk, don’t pretend to on a crowded dance floor because people will clear a path for you and expect Thriller.
3. Working in an academic environment is the most gratifying job I’ve ever had.
4. Facebook is better than Myspace.
5. Blogging is a worthless waste of time that takes away from my real writing time.
6. I only have one grandparent left.
7. Cormac McCarthy holds a bright candle to people like Hemingway and Fitzgerald.
8. Primo 360 must be a really awful place to work since they never employ the same baristas for very long. I still love their coffee though.
9. Mrs. Popper helped explain my condition: “Do you know what it means to be broken hearted? It means your heart isn’t whole, so you can’t really do anything wholeheartedly.”
10. Like living well, there’s peace of mind in the virtue of being awful.
11. I finally get General Relativity...mostly, but now gravity confuses me.
12. The world is going to end in 2012 (for sure this time).
13. I was premature in thinking that my reoccurring zombie nightmares are becoming less frightening and that I might have a handle on them.
14. I can finally admit to and laugh at the time I pissed my pants while trying to make it to the Bush Intercontinental Airport without stopping.
15. Turtles evolved in water before venturing out to land, and their shells grew out of their ribs and vertebrae. Rad!
16. Breakfast of Champions replaces Slaughterhouse 5 as my favorite Vonnegut book.
17. The poor majority, the huge masses, will finally riot when they have no food.
18. Americans have the technology to recycle and drink our own piss...in space, but there’re still water-born cholera epidemics in third worlds.
19. I would like to punch Bill O’Reilly, Keith Oberman, Lou Dobbs, and Nancy Grace on the mouth.
20. I’d like to kiss Christiane Amanpour, Candy Crowley, and David Gergen on the mouth.
21. John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are messiahs, and I will kill my mother and/or any stray animals if that is their command.
22. Obama has an amusing way of making his opponents seem desperate, and both Hillary and McCain were laughably cute, kicking and spitting from the mats.
23. I had a whole lotta fun making fun of McCain and Palin.
24. John Edwards is not just a first-class shithead, he’s another beautiful example of how “you can take the boy out the country but you can’t take the country out the boy.”
25. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il is a wannabe American. Att: Obama: just send Angelina Jolie Voight and William Bradley Pitt over there, and they’ll sort everything out for us.
26. The Russians can still be frighteningly confrontational.
27. Volleyball Olympians have the best bodies. Oh Jesus.
28. India was stampeded by their gods, twice, killing hundreds of people. Americans stampeded once this year, racing toward their gods and sacrificing the life of a 6’5” man in Wal-Mart smiley vest.
29. Gas prices can reach 4+ dollars, and Americans will only suffer silently instead of revolting with boycotts, sit-ins, protests, petitions, and marches, like we used to.
30. Blue eyes came from one person, who, about 10,000 years ago, got a lot of ‘tang. Same with green.
31. The Japanese can now sneak attack U.S. naval bases with invisibility cloaks.
32. I’m almost 30.

3 comments:

Bash said...

33. "Rad" and "tang" should be erased from the English language.

C. Andres Alderete said...

34. Getting certified as an online minister takes about 30 seconds.
35. Marrying Bash and his wife was the longest few minutes of my life.

Guilda said...

...so I was reading facebook when I remembered I hadn't visited your blog in a while. I laughed aloud on number 12 disrupting the calm of the room. Again Ill mention my personal admiration for Einstein (though I still say his wife deserved recognition as he) and Newton. In fact, my brother and I geeked out on gravity on our ski trip.On a personal note, I'm glad to hear your life is going well even if you are nearing 30. Your so old!!!...says the woman who just found her first gray hair.

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