Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Why CNN Is An Evil Capitalist Network Who Wants Obama To Win The Presidency But Only After Making The Race A Dangerous Squeaker

Everyone knows CNN's been in the tank for Obama since Hillarious Clinton got her panties in a wad over media penis envy, but CNN was one of the only major networks not running the senator's 30-minute Obamamercial. I couldn't find it. Could you? Instead, they aired a shithead interview of John McCain by Larry King. The Republican candidate did well in the interview. Why? Because Larry King is a senile old man who asks idiot questions and doesn't even have idiot follow-ups. CNN knows Larry can't think anymore. The only real reasons he's even got his own show these days are his name still carrying clout and his remarkable ability to remain completely silent while his guests rabidly argue over themselves.
Why is CNN ruining my life?
Obama's so far ahead that network bigwigs are concerned that there won't be enough consumers watching on election night unless their anchor drones even out the playing field by showing McCain in a favorable way and calling Saint Obama "extravagant" and "over the top." I've never contested the claim that American media is liberally leaning/gagged, bound, bent over, and naked from the waist down, but now, I know they're only as wicked as their limitless profits.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Indian Superman

I can't stop watching this.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

McCain Ads

Damn, dirty ape.

Dear Campbell,

I saw your interview with Governor Schwarzenegger yesterday and Campbell, I’m a little shocked. I’ve never seen you so doe-eyed and smiley before. Perhaps the reason I noticed your adoration is because your “No Bias, No Bull” show is shot from an inferior angle that you look powerfully over and the interview was a superior angle that looked down on you and showed your true femininity. The painful thing is that I became more in love with you after seeing your girly smiles at Gov. Terminator 2 (I recognize the sexist deconstruction I’m opening myself up to with that statement, but whatever), and my heart aches, knowing that lovely sweetness was not meant for me.

For his part, Schwarzenegger looked like a gorilla in a business suit. Why did you seat him in such a tiny chair? His knees were practically drawn up to his prominent brow ridge, and his arms dangled like Fred Flintstone’s. I know why. You wanted to see his pants bunched up around his genitals, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!

Jealously,

C

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hanoi Hilton XIII

Pinko got me good last weekend. He had put one of those phony bologna scratch-off tickets on my nightstand beside my trifocal case, and when I put a nickel to it, I found that I’d hit the 25 grand jackpot! I thought Sarah had affectionately picked it up for me on her daily bike ride to the corner store for her MD 20/20 and Newports, but it was Pinko, and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

He’d done it because he said he was tired of hearing me gripe about Lenny’s going back on a spit pact we’d made about public spending. When I asked him how in the world a fake lotto ticket would solve my spending limitations, he admitted that it wouldn’t but he wanted to be “like a break in the battle, was your part, in the retched life of a lonely heart.” I didn’t understand his meaning, but Sarah shouted, “that’s the Pretenders!” and punched Pinko in the stomach.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Funny stuff

Obama/McCain sound bytes for all you boredies

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Hanoi Hilton XII

Last night, I had my final talking to with Lenny, and boy am I glad that’s over with. I just can’t make that boy angry. The more I try, the madder I get for goodness’ sake. He’s like a skinny, colored Buddha. Pinko said the stage lighting was unflattering, too, and made me look like an angry, powdered whore. Friends, that truly wasn’t my fault. If he had not intentionally challenged me to a Fruit Rollup eating competition, 45 minutes before show time, I wouldn’t have had those rosy lips and crazy sex eyes. Pinko knows the Mav doesn’t back down from a challenge and he set me up. For the first half hour, the sugar in those things (my 43 to his 36) made me feel like I’d snorted an eightball of Saigon Pink, and as an unfortunate result of my come down, I was unable to “whip” Lenny like I’d said I would. Shit.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

There's gonna be a Ghostbusters 3

Things I realized while watching Ghostbusters in my underwear and doing what can only be described as yoga:

1. When someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
2. If I were a Ghostbuster, I would have inevitably thought of zombies and not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man when the traveller arrived.
3. Sigourney Weaver was damn sexy.
4. Nail Sigourney Weaver even if she's possessed.
5. I miss Rick Moranis.
6. Spaceballs was about Jews.
7. Egon doesn't have a PhD.
8. Winston wasn't an equally invested Ghostbuster, as he was just some asshole off the street.
9. I finally get the "Are you, Alice, menstrating right now?" question from Pete Venkman.
10. The "I ain't 'fraid o' no ghost" song is not cool.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

As a Matter of Fact...

Dear Campbell,

Did you hear Chris called me gay for loving the husky laugh and boyish good looks of Rachel Maddow (who, as Wikipedia revealed to me, is a “girl kisser” (Elrod N.pag.))? ME! As I recall, during his last birthday binge, Chris had a wolfish lust for a perfectly proportioned, Webster-like man in the courtyard of the Red Scoot Inn. Even though the beard on this little fellow clearly qualified him as an adult, his 10-year-old physique and presumably equally hairy testicles, established Chris as both a child molester and a homosexual.

Booyakasha!

C

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Misprint Magazine


This is the most refreshing thing I've seen a long, long time. Check out page 19. I was markedly uncool giggling to myself while reading this at work.

Hanoi Hilton XI

I woke up yesterday and for the first six hours, I didn’t know that I had another rendezvous scheduled with the Harvard Negroman. When my bestest advisor came over, I thought it was to feed me my 16-jar, strawberry‘nana baby food brunch, but he left the front door open and the “Straight-Talk Express” Humvee running. Sarah was still in her underoos, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and watching Nickelodeon with Pinko when we all realized I was in “the shit.” Debate? Christ, I’d spent all of Monday scouring Youtube for backyard Kimbo Slice fights and footage of that new “free-running” sensation the French kids are jazzing about. I didn’t even hit the hay until 8:45 in the pm!
The Negroman, whom I’ve affectionately decided to call Lenny, was mad at me most of the time and showed signs of what I can only assume is “Black Rage.” I really should have considered him to be more than just an exotically pretty face. He doesn’t shoot from his hip, Maverick-style, like me. He shoots from his mouth, and to be honest, friends, I’m not even sure he’s speaking English, especially when he talks about the economy. He’s so smart.
I understand there’s an election in November, and if Lenny keeps impressing me the way he does, I might just send my McVote his way.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

It's Love

Dear Campbell,

I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just come out with it: I'm in love with another woman. Her name is Rachel Maddow, and like you, she's a part of the liberal media circuit but at MSNBC. I think I love her for her androgyny. She has short boyish hair, minimal makeup, aggressively handsome tone, and a cutting laugh. I must admit, I didn't find her particularly attractive at first because I thought she was a lesbian, and I try to separate my love from love that can never be, but I'm starting to think she is not gay but rather a woman reared around a pack of boys. Either way, her show, "The Rachel Maddow Show," is on at 9pm, well after "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report." Those two guys are a big reason my eye has strayed in the first place. You see, your show is on the entire hour of both half-hour Comedy Central programs, and I can't watch everything unless I'm omnipresent or have a split screen TV, which I don't. Split screen. Imagine if your and Rachel's show were on at the same sexy time! I'd have to make a visit to the TV store.

Your Friend,

C

Friday, October 3, 2008

Hanoi Hilton X

Sarah finally spoke the day before yesterday, and despite her relative youth and attractiveness, she sounded like “Nova” from Planet of the Apes. Praise Allah that the perpetual quarter chub I’ve had in her presence finally shrank to a manageable noodle of impotence. I was having trouble ignoring the awkwardness it was creating during “Twister Thurday” with Lieberman and all the Republican members of the Appropriations Committee (except Kay Bailey Hutchison).
Anyway, Sarah was immediately subject to the same intrusive questions as I was with that Harvard Negroman (who, by-the-way, did not assault me). I was thrilled that her continuous response to the toughest questions was a repeating, “Oh, so horny....Ohh, so horny...Ohh, so horny. Me love you love time.” She answered exactly as we had rehearsed and even in the right Vietnamese accent and intonation, but my aide, who was sitting beside me, fainted and I swear I could hear his ulcer sizzling in his stomach, or maybe it was mine. Cindy had mixed me up a mess of broccoli and cheese before the debate. I put my hand over my belly and then over my aide’s, but I didn’t feel anything.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

You want my what?!

I must be the luckiest man alive because I get 2 or 3 of these kinds o' emails a week! I took the liberty of correcting a few grammar and format mistakes but I stopped after a while and chalked it off as cultural differences.

UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION AND EUROPEAN UNION ORG do hereby give this irrevocable approval ntract entitlement/award winning payment with the UNITED NATION to your nominated bank account. Now you're new Payment,United nation Approval No;UN5685P,White House Approved No:WH44CV, Reference No.-35460021, Allocation No: 674632 Password No: 339331 , Pin Code No: 55674 and your Certificate of Merit Payment No : 103 , Released Code No: 0763; Immediate Citibank Telex confirmation No:-1114433 ; Secret Code No:XXTN013, Having received these vital payment number ,therefore You are qualified now to received and confirm Your payment with the United Nation immediately within the next 72hrs.
As a matter of fact, you are required to Deal and Communicate only with MR ANDREW WOLLEY, DIRECTOR INTERNATIONAL REMMITTANCE CITIBANK OF UNITED KINGDOM,with the help and monitory team from the CITIBANK OF NEW YORK which is our official remitting bank, Committee On Foreign Payment Matters in United Nation,has look up to make sure you receive your fund valued $8.3m. So contact: MR ANDREW WOLLEY on his contact information,Direct Citibank Telephone No +44-700-5931404 , Cell/mobile CELL/MOBLIE, +44-7624-198268 FaxNumber:+44 870 288 7323,Email: andrewwolley2005@googlemail.com OR andrew.wolley2@hotmail.com
1) YOUR FULL NAME:
2) ADDRESS,CITY, STATE AND COUNTRY
3) PHONE, FAX AND MOBILE
4) COMPANY NAME (IF ANY) POSITION AND ADDRESS
5) BANK DETAILS ACCOUNT NO ROUTING NO/SWIFT CODE BANK NAME BANK ADDRESS.
6) PROFESSION, AGE AND MARITAL STATUS MARRIED
7) COPY OF YOUR INT'L PASSPORT/DRIVERS LICENSE
NOTE: YOUR PERSONAL CONTACT/COMMUNICATION CODE WITH CITIBANK IS (511), YOU ARE ARE ADVICE TO SEND YOU FULL BANKING INFORMATION TO THE CITIBANK OF LONDON INTERNATIONAL REMMITTANCE DIRECTOR HEADED BY MR ANDREW WOLLEY AND MAKE SURE YOU SPEAK WITH HIM, WITH YOUR NEW PAYMENT CODE FOR RELEASE OF YOUR PAYMENT AND SEND HIM ALL YOUR BANKING INFORMATION NOW. CONTACT CODE (511)
:MR ANDREW WOLLEY
:DIRECTOR,INTL,REMMITTANCE CITIBANK LONDON.
TELEPHONE OFFICE/BANK:+44-700-5931404
FAX:+44 870 288 7101 , CELL/MOBLE +44-7624-198268
EMAIL: andrewwolley2005@googlemail.com OR andrew.wolley2@hotmail.com

SIR FRANK PETERSON.
(CHAIRMAN COMMITTE ON FOREIGN CONTRACT/AWARD WINING PAYMENT UNITED NATION AND USA GOVERNMENT).
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