Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Die octuplets. Problem solved.

Dear Campbell,

I caught a bit of your show, "No Bias, No Bull," tonight, and since I haven’t written you in a while, I thought I’d do that. I’ve gotta say, Cam, you’re looking rather mammothy these days, especially in that brown sweater you had sagging around your necks. Now before you get all weepy on me, understand this is tough love, I assure you. I have no desire to upset a woman of your magnitude. I only wish for a little resistance if I were to, say, push your mid section with a probing finger or graphite pencil.

On a brighter note, you’re no longer competing with Rachel Maddow for my affections. Between her and Keith Olbermann, MSNBC has turned so far to the left that it’s caught up with its own backside and corked its head right into its retentive asshole. Now that network irritates me almost as much as Fox News. But to be fair, all the major news networks make me want to raise my TV into the air and, with surrendered tranquility, smash it down on my own head whenever I see “news” coverage of that freak in California who had a litter of bastard children. But I digress. Bottom line, put down the Snickers bar, Campbell, and be my sexy MILF again. I beg you.

 At arm’s length,

 C

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