Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Roland Hut

Dear Campbell,

Please have your baby already. Roland Martin is a toad, and I'm sick of seeing him hosting "No Bias. No Bull." It's true I only watch the show during the two-minute commercial breaks of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," but that' all I can stand anyway, and since I'm the father (but not really) of your unborn child, you should be bending over backwards...and donning a pair of crotchless dainties to make me happy. It's not that I don't like Roland; it's just that he wears rings and necklaces, and he doesn't have a neck, and I can't get past his resemblance to Jabba the Hut. He looks like Jabba the Hut, Campbell. Do you really want your respectable show being associated with an intergalactic gangster of such unusual cruelty? On top of everything, it was Jabba Martin, not you, who first informed me of the new First Dog, Bo. Campbell, that was our story. We'd speculated on the animal's breed since Obama announced his intentions to buy his daughters a pup in place of the love he'd be withdrawing after the election.

You cut me to the bone, Campbell, and I can't have a B anchor like Roland delivering important news like Bo Obama. Sort this out, or I'll take may love back to that facist lesbian on MSNBC.

Do it.



Chrissy said...

I have a secret crush on Stephen Colbert. Oh, I guess it's not secret anymore.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Yeah, I'd be one of those screaming...and then fainting fans if I ever met him.

f8hasit said...

THAT is hysterical...thanks for the laugh!
Love it.

C. Andres Alderete said...

You're my new best friend.

Girl said...

I can't stand Campbell's screeeeeeeeching nasal voice.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Girl, you're talking about the woman I love and hate.

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