Friday, April 24, 2009

Olympic Stair-Stepping

In a half-assed attempt at exercise, I decided to climb the six flights of stairs to the tutoring center, where I work mornings. With my nose in the air, I strutted confidently past the first floor's corridor of elevators, a book in one hand, a swinging bag of sandwiches and fruit in the other, and entered the dungeon-like stairwell to begin my aerobics. It started off swell. I went with a springing step and even resisted the urge to gallop up, two at a time. But by the third floor, I was holding the cold hand railing with white knuckles and panting as though I'd just run 26 miles to Athens. I arrived at the tutoring center with white splotches in my vision and my nostrils flaring for oxygen because in the presence of students and coworkers, I'd closed my mouth and pretended not to be experiencing a mild heart attack. By high noon, I had lost the unflattering green hue I'd achieved during my early morning workout, and the beautiful roses of in my cheeks were back in gorgeous bloom.

The whole ordeal reminded me of a time when a friend invited me to play flag football with a regular group of his friends. I accepted and was prostrate and vomiting on the field within 15 minutes of kick off. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't felt as though I'd embarrassed my friend or if one of his friends hadn't been the brother of an ex-girlfriend (hi Linda).

Lesson learned: 1) it's time to stop shoveling Blue Bell Homemade Ice Cream's delicious "Rocky Road" into my gluttonous mouthhole at 9:30 in the PM and visit my local gym 2) stop blaming my self-diagnosed "heart condition" for my inability to be a real man and visit my local gym.


linda o said...

HAhaha!!! You know, he never told me about it. He's such a good brother for not telling me an ex was such a p*ssy.
What happened to you? I thought you were an avid runner of the Town Lake Trail.

C. Andres Alderete said...

I've been boycotting Town Lake since they renamed it Lady Bird Johnson Lake. I think I'll call it a loss and start running again.

Bash said...

"the beautiful roses of in my cheeks were back in gorgeous bloom" sounds like you been spending too much time at the Cockpit.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Yeah, it's too bad they caught you blowing that homeless guy in the men's room. I miss Straight Man Wednesdays.

Chrissy said...

Too funny. This is how I feel when the parking garage elevator is broken and I have to walk up eight flights of stairs. Sometimes I wander around the sixth floor pretending to look for my car just so I can get a breather.

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