Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm Better Than You.

There's no point in making my life sound more glamorous than it is, and in order to make this as sociologically funny to you as it is to me, I must reveal that I work nights receiving phone calls about a dying corporation. Necessity has taken me to this sinking ship, and I weep existential tears after every shift. Anyway, here's a quick rundown of what I dealt with a few days ago.

1) I spoke to a child who was so young, I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. Twice. I dropped protocol and called the creature by its androgynous first name in order to spare my dignity the indignity of speaking formally to a child. I can probably be canned for that, but whatever. I have my limitations.
2) A two-faced woman called and immediately fell into a whiny sob for much of our phone call, and after massaging my heart strings into sympathy, she screeched "This is fucking bullshit" when we'd said our goodbyes but before we had properly disconnected. I felt used and foolish for believing her to be a sweet woman. She'd mentioned a husband, so I hereby hex her marriage to a loveless facade.
3) One man had a severe speech and hearing impediment and kept forcing me to spell common words using an idiot phonetic alphabet: Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo! Though frustrated that I sounded like a Vietnam field radio, I felt bad for the guy 'cause he kept apologizing for himself. I sometimes stammer when I get excited, so I get you brotha. *high-five/chest bump*
4) Two consecutive callers had sexy, California-girl voices, and I had to reflect on my own psychology after the last one admitted a preference for Texas men and kept playfully trying to figure out what town I was in. Why did I take on a cool, flirtatious tone? And who's the bigger weirdo: the woman breathing heavily into her phone or the man squirming in his office chair, 1,500 miles away? I concluded that I've been sexually deprived all week and must speak with my darling Gilda about her next demonstration of love for me.

People are fascinating.


Anonymous said...

I found huge gross receipt difference during one of my audits. Guess what the auditee said when I requested for the back up document??
"It is none of your business!!" You are right, people are fascinating.

Bash said...

You think you're better than me?

C. Andres Alderete said...

You should have said, "I'm auditing you. That's actually exactly my business."

C. Andres Alderete said...

Chris, I only think I'm better than you in terms of hairiness.

Anonymous said...

Okay, he said it twice. First time, I thought he was making some kind of high-level joke and laughed. (People see what they know) But when he said it second time, he really ticked me off, and yes dear, I did say “Ohhh Yes, Sir, it is SOoooooo MY business”
Guess he saw who I really was behind my pretty smiley face;) he is into action now.

I wonder who told him that he could run a business….his mother??

Chrissy said...

You do understand that those sexy voiced California chicks really look like Biggest Loser rejects, right?

C. Andres Alderete said...

I like a woman with low self esteem, Chrissy. I don't have to tear her down quite so far.

Frankie Anon said...

Love your writing...funny stuff! This kind of job must be great fodder for a writer.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Thanks, Frankie. It's definitely great fodder for my distaste in people.

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