Monday, May 25, 2009

Kiss My Ass For Charity

I hope to one day be so desirable that European women will pay 56,000 dollars for a peck on the cheek...from me. For 56,000 I’d even point out the erection it caused. "See this, Adoring Fan? You caused this." That would be rather fulfilling, no? I’d definitely cover my bosom with a flattered palm if Angelina Jolie kissed my stubbly cheek then said "Check out these nips!" For 56,000 dollars, I’d do things that I’m too embarrassed to admit publicly. No, I’m not. For 56,000 dollars, I’d be more than willing, enthusiastic even, to drop my trousers and helicopter my genitals for a large audience of Catholic nuns, immediate family, gay convicts, small children, or Barack Obamas (That’s right. An auditorium of Barack Obamas). For 56,000, I’d kill a baby seal and strangle the president of PETA with cords of the little monster's skin. For 56,000 dollars, I’d push the ailing Muhammad Ali to the ground and say, "Who’s 'the greatest' now, bitch?" I’d slap the wife of the professional wrestler Batista. I’d sleep with a woman whom I’d be pretty sure is a man. I’d strap a pair of Nikes on my feet and streak the Vatican.

I guess what I’m saying is I need money. And I don't mean 12-hour-days-at-work money. That kind sucks. I want money that blooms like flowers on the trees in my backyard. I want to clean decomposing clumps of it from the rain gutters of my house. I want to grow hydroponic 100 dollar bills under UV lamps in my closet so that when celebrities are whoring their kisses for charity, I can wave a fistful of dollars and buy one for my ass.

6 comments:

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

You've got my vote for "Disturbingly Honest Post of the Year". Congratulations.

Awesome Sara said...

LOL, where have you been all my life! you are perfect for me! thnaks for following my bloggie. after reading that post i'm going to so follow you too. and on top of that your texan ass is on my fav bitches list!

Sharon Reynolds said...

Funniest post by the funniest man.

P.S. What a coincidence, I left 56,000 dollars for you under a tree in Zilker Park. I'm sure it's still there.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Thank you, Chris. I accept.
Awesome Sara, I think I'm in love with you.
Sharon, was the money under a dead jogger? All I found was her wallet.

Chrissy said...

I'm guessing you would do all those things for $10,000. Then you could invest it in Chrysler stock.

C. Andres Alderete said...

I have invested in Chrysler stock, Chrissy. 10,000 Gs happens to be the exact amount every man woman and child in America now owes China.

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