Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Circular Solution To All Things:

Folks, at some point, we're just going to have to give the Taliban some nukes. They're determined, and you've got to admit, they're impressively persistent. Perhaps the gesture will "disarm" them, so to speak, and we can all harvest poppies as a brotherhood of junkies. They might even be so touched by western generosity that they'll weep tears of joy and acceptance into their dusty beards and finally permit McDonald's to broaden its empire into Afghanistan/Pakistan's noble soil. Think of all the jobs the franchise will create! Ex-militants will find reward and satisfaction flipping meat-flavored carcinogen patties and then grinding them through the face grid of their wives' newly re-donned burkas. It would be a veritable utopia, made possible by nuclear weapons.
If you're not comfortable giving religious cave-dwellers a set of pearly nukes, let's try to at least compete with Heaven and offer seventy-three virgins (that's one more than Allah gives), so when they're balls deep in earthly pleasures, they'll say, "It was America who gave us this Paradise. Praise America!" The American prison system is already overcrowded as it is. Couldn't we can offer a handful of sexually pristine convicts the chance at freedom through indentured service? The solution seems so simple. These men are behind bars and faced with losing their innocence on a daily basis anyway. As one of 73 virgins, these hardened criminals will enjoy both the tender attention and jealous protection of a powerful Taliban warlord. They could even form a quaint sewing community of virgin husbands while their masters are out war-lording at McDonald's.
All I'm saying is that we've resisted these guys for so long, maybe it's time we try bartering with our nuke and virgin surplus, maybe even offer up Cuba since the US will eventually take the island over anyway. Thoughts?

9 comments:

Chris said...

I like it, but we should probably make them sign some sort of waiver form. I mean, first they'd sue us for their high cholesterol and then they'd nuke Chicago.

Can't be too careful.

Stacey said...

You're a creative thinker, Mr. C.A., not like those fools in Washington. I'll pass this on to my colleagues.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Chris, let's cut them off at the pass and offer them Chicago!

C. Andres Alderete said...

Stacey, I try and practice thinking "outside the box." Let me know if any legislators want to meet, so I can iron my tuxedo shirt.

Bash said...

We have a surplus of virgins?

C. Andres Alderete said...

Sure, just drop trou, bend over before a full-length mirror, and you'll be staring your virginity directly in it's brown eye.

Chrissy said...

So eloquently put.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Much of what I do is eloquent, Chrissy.

Sarah said...

Wow!...

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