Wednesday, June 24, 2009

in depth movie review

So, I know I'm about 25 years late, but I'd never seen Purple Rain until a coworker lent it to me last Friday. I think I missed the boat on that one, folks, and I'm absolutely positive I'm going to lose the support of a few of you, but I can't help but declare that the movie was a poorly acted, half-assedly written, self-indulgent piece of purple shit. For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, I'll briefly summarize: it's about a shallow boy and girl who struggle in their material need and become a little less shallow by the end. Roll credits.

I did appreciate Morris and Jerome's comic relief, and Apollonia's boobies were a delightful pause and zoom-in surprise. I crossed my fingers when it appeared as though she'd disrobe and praised Allah when she emerged from the lake topless and pouty. She's now on my list of 80s goddesses to google, Vanity being my #1.*

I also appreciated Prince's performances a great deal. The man is an entertainer even if he is an unconvincing actor and pretentious urethra hole.


*Update: I searched Vanity first, because she was such a knock out it upsets me, and found that she turned into a crack head and met Jesus when she ODed. She's now a maniac, who spreads the word of God. I think I could be religious for her if she's still remotely 1984 hot. I never searched Apollonia. It's probably better not to know.

10 comments:

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I agree, Purple Rain sucked. And I saw it when it came out (how I got talked into that I can't recall, but it's a safe bet that there was a girl involved).

f8hasit said...

Probably a good thing you didn't. Keep her fresh in your mind when she was young and hot.

Not that's she's not bad looking now, just droopy and tired. But she's still working the boobs....those don't seem to age. I wonder why?

:-)

Chrissy said...

My girlfriend was a HUGE Prince fan and she dragged me to see it. After the movie, Apollonia was in a band that performed in lingerie. They were the Pussycat Dolls before there were Pussycat Dolls. I think she looks great for 50. Can you say cougah?

C. Andres Alderete said...

Ah the things we do for ladies, Chris. I believe I've seen every episode of Sex in the City. I'm not proud.

Nancy, her boobs haven't changed because they're magical ageless boobs that aren't affected by gravity.

According to my research, Chrissy, Vanity was supposed to be the main gal of the band, but Prince scrapped her when she started her crack tendencies. Cougah, cougah, cougah!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yes, I think you are too late. Because the 80s was very cheesy and this movie epitomized it with a popular musician and bunch of bad acting that was VERY typical of teenage 80s movies. (Please also see: Howard the Duck and Valley Girl)

Guilda said...

huh, so I have to admit I'm a bit surprised. When I heard the news about MJ 's death, you were one or two people who crossed my mind. I expected to see some poetic comment on his life or some acknowledgement. I'm disappointed-guess your dispositions have changed.

PS you are right about this movie.
jessica

C. Andres Alderete said...

Ms. Nanny Goats, "self-indulgent" is the key term here. I love 80s cheese and actually have the Howard the Duck theme song on my iPod.

Jessica, I have failed you. As penitence, I will allow myself to be sexually molested by a Wonka-like celebrity, who lures children into his lair with rollercoasters, full-scale dioramas of Disney World, and alcohol-spiked Coca Cola. R.I.P. MJ.

Awesome Sara said...

i have never even heard of purple rain. this stuff was made before i was born. it looks like it would suck. no offense.

Frankie Anon said...

I agree, the movie was lame and self-indulgent, though Prince is a charismatic talent.(Did you see the shadow on the scrim at the Superbowl? Hilarious!) As for the boobies, yawn. I have my own pair. When guys like Johnny Depp or Jude Law start doing full frontal--ie, when the ridiculous double standard by which naked men are obscene or just played for laughs disappears--you'll have to teach me the pause and zoom in technique. :-)

C. Andres Alderete said...

I missed the shadow that Superbowl. A friend was playing an old Wrestlemania with Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant for halftime, and I couldn't resist.

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