Friday, November 13, 2009

Dear Charlie Kaufman, I love you.

I've been thinking screenplays lately. They seem easier than the books and short stories that I haven't been working on these past few months. I just don't have the time. It's true. Even these self-indulgent "me" blogs are written during slow moments at my two jobs. Any minute now, I expect a student to timidly appear at my side and interrupt my thought process for the next that. What was I saying? Writing. You can't write a committed story between moments of interruption. You're not committed. You can, however, write a disjointed blog posting. They're short and wandering, and since I have my finger on the button, I know I'll be published regardless of quality. Take that Harper's Magazine, you bitch. Digression! Screenplays. Roger and I were collaborating on one a few months back, but he has psychological problems, and I expect him to be dead before either one of us overcomes procrastination. That's just inconvenient for me. He reintroduced me to Adaptation. That's a damn fine movie, folks. Charlie Kaufman wrote it, and after watching it as an adult and not a shit-for-brains kid, I will now boldly claim that Kaufman is not just a screenwriter, but a literary icon, alive and well and still creating. Spike Jonze played a directorial role in Kaufman's story, I won't take that away from him, but that's just well-executed aesthetics. Kaufman's the wordsmith, and I'm in love with him. I read the screenplay for Being John Malkovich, another Charlie Kaufman/Spike Jonze collaboration, and while it, too, was eye-wideningly impressive, it was Kaufman's authorial introduction that resonates. I've never been more entertained with a man's self-deprecating ramblings. I'm so impressed with this person that I am now including him in the canon of living writers (Toni Morrison, Cormac McCarthy, and until recently Kurt Vonnegut) whom I'd publicly avoid for fear of transforming into a hysterical fan, red-faced, tear-smeared, dangerously unpredictable.
So yes, I supposed I could try my hand at sensational screenplays like Saw or...or whatever other paycheck movies the kids are droning to, but Charlie (that's Mr. Kaufman to you) would judge me. I'm sure of it. Or, maybe not. Maybe he likes Saw. Roger likes Saw, and he's an intelligent man. Maybe it's me. Is it me? Crap, it's me. I'm in an ivory tower on an island of conceited stupidity, an all I have is Internet access. Sigh. You see the delineation of this short blog? It's taken me three days and many "between moments interruption" to complete it. I don't even like the damn things after three days, so why would I concern myself with proofreading and transitions? Damn you people and your external pressures. Damn you Kaufman for making me realize that screenwriting is a legitimate form of literature. I'll just blog until I grow bored and leave it laying half-finished and half-passioned among the rest of my quarter creations. What monsters they would be if electricity were to jolt them to life. Would they try to kill me, their negligent father? Bah! I'm done.


Bash said...

I just wanted to be the first one to make a comment... DONE.

Just joshing... have you seen his last movie which was his directorial debut... I heard it's a masterpiece. I keep forgetting about it.

f8hasit said...

Carlos...this is my favorite post by you ever.

(Slightly behind the one of you wearing your Halloween creation, but that was due to the photography...)

I, too, am a huge Mr. Kaufman fan. He's still Mister to me. I've not part of the inner circle that can call him Charlie. Yet.

Love the post. Your delineation is my amusement and inspriation. Please don't stop.

And thank you for ending it in verbage that always resonates in my ear...'Bah'.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

I love Charlie Kaufman's flicks and I loved your post. so now I will follow you and i hope you don't feel the weighty external pressure. hey, are you from austin? i am just now seeing your list of labels and they strangely include some very austin items. (i live in austin.) i must investigate.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Chris, I talked to you yesterday, so there.

Nancy, you give the best compliments. I doubt I'll be stopping anytime soon. Ranting is too therapeutic.

Dreamfarm Girl, thank you, thank you. I am, indeed, writing from Austin. I'll have to investigate as well.

Heather said...

Never heard of him before, but now I'm going to have to watch the movie "Adaptation".

I saw the first movie "Saw", that was enough for me. No need to continue the eye torture any further.


Charlie Kaufman is awesome!
Enjoy reading just discovered your blog...~SWEET!!!

Lora said...

so, how's it coming along?!

Chrissy said...

Your writing is like listening to Barbara Streisand sing the alphabet. It doesn't matter if it tells a story, I just love the sound.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Thank you, Lenorenevermore.

Lora, it's been stunted, artistically, but I'll get back on it...soon.

Chrissy, I'm grabbing you by your virtual shoulders and forcibly kissing your face.

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