Friday, November 6, 2009

Swine Flu, You're Just Bacon.

I’m rather irritated with myself for getting so caught up in this whole swine flu paranoia. When it first appeared on the scene of my heart, I scoffed at the fear it was creating not just internally, but externally. The media virus spread its existence like STDs, and from the mouths of one, two, three networks, the idiot public began French kissing each other en masse, while I watched like a pompous voyeur. But like all heroes facing superior numbers, I’m finally in “the shit.” I wouldn’t be if my lovely girlfriend didn’t have these so-called “preexisting medical conditions” that this H1N1 nonsense apparently enjoys partnering up with, but she does, and I am. Sensational media is terrorizing me, folks, and I, in turn, am terrorizing my darling, angel, pumpkin culo, who without my paranoid ravings would be living blissfully free of media hype. It’s a sickening carousel, an ironic beast that has my head and 20 million* others’ way up its hairy ass.
And who is at the greatest risk for this plague-like nightmare? Oh no one special, just your BABIES! Your babies and your pregnant wife and secretary. Do you want them dead? Because they will be. Grandma, Grandpa, you’re cool. You’ve got grit, and I admire that, but we need you to unsnap your pocketbooks now and start shelling out dough for little Timmy and his preggo mama’s vaccination. They were sniffling this morning. Whoa, whoa, not too fast now. The healthcare cartels have a delicate balance here. It’s important to bank on this, of course, but it’s also important that they create the right demand as well as the right shortage for the government to appear incompetent with its distribution. Damn, dirty apes.
Anyway, I’m still paranoid.

*This is a completely arbitrary number since "research" tires me.


Chrissy said...

You should work in a hospital and THEN you would see complete paranoia. We've banned visitors under 18 and everyone has a box of masks and a bottle of Purell on their desks.

Knucklehead said...

Not that I'm uninformed about current events or anything, but isn't H1N1 that red droid that blew up in Star Wars right before Luke settled for R2D2?

f8hasit said...

I had a tenant tell me she souldn't pay her rent. "Why?" I asked. "Because I couldn't go to work."
"Because of H1N1. I'm afraid I'll get it."

You've got to be kidding me. She's got until the 15th.

(And no. I didn't rent to her, she came with the property.)

sas said...

yeah but you can't get it from bacon right? i can't be arsed calling the helpline.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Chrissy, it's kind of the same thing at the hospitals here in Austin, but staff has to wear little swastika arm bands to identify themselves as employees.

Knucklehead, the red droid on Star Wars was actually called "Swine Flu." Just one of those weird coincidences, I guess.

Nancy, let me know how it works out for your tenant. I might try feigning swine flu before writing my next rent check.

Sas, the only real way of contracting swine flu is by making direct genital contact with the snout of a pig. That might sound unusual to you, but here in the southern United States it's as routine as Sunday Mass.

carma said...

Oh, I've totally succumbed to the paranoia as well. I wouldn't let my son practice his juggling at the college down the block, since we all know how many germs reside at colleges. Finally broke down last week and let him go one evening but instructed my husband to open the door for him so he wouldn't have to touch the germ infested door knob at the student center. How's that for paranoia?

C. Andres Alderete said...

Carma, that's actually not too paranoid. I work at a community college, and I can tell you with unflinching conviction that they're vile disgusting places.

Chindiana said...

it hit SOuth East Asia pretty badly a few months ago - in Malaysia the death toll increased suddenly from around 11 from the date of identification in Mexico which was likea month to a sudden 90 plus in 2 weeks. It was fatal the elderly or sickly or the sickly young.

BUT there was a stupid overeaction in hospitals too when anyone and his dog with a slight fever was suddenly dignosed with H1N1.

In the Philippines though it was the opposite where they treated it as a normal flu bug meaning that in Manila we did not need to go through a health checks and tempreture scanning like every other airport in the region.

Things are back to normal now and true to our nature everyone is behaving like it never happened. Like a dream of a wayward pimple on your left butt cheek. (sorry not enough coffee)

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