Friday, February 12, 2010


I justify participating in this social network-like questionnaire by deeming it a creative exercise. Also, Julie at At Home With Myself singled me out as the sole recipient of this meme, and to ignore it would be both assholish (see previous post for definition of “asshole”) and noseholish (undefined). I changed all the girly questions to man questions, and I omitted, for your sake, the boring ones. This is my world, people. I did, however, keep the “ou” spellings of words like “favourite” because they make me feel international.

What is your current obsession?
I’m unhealthily obsessed with eating well. Unhealthily because I just finished reading Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto, and the so called “Western Diet” that I thought I’d been avoiding for years has apparently been extended even to the soils from which “organic” foods are produced. The soils, in turn, nurture the seeds that sustain all American livestock (when in nature these creatures don’t naturally eat a singular diet of genetically modified feed anyway). Your options, living in a fast paced American society that doesn’t value a sit-down culture of eating real food instead of “edible food-like substances”? Starve. Thanks Pollan, you jerk.

What are you wearing today?I blog nude.

What’s for dinner?I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries. See question 1.

What’s the last thing you bought?I’m assuming you’re not interested in gasoline, so the last relevant thing I bought was D-tuned blues harp (aka harmonica) and beginner’s book. I'm really cool now.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?I admire her cultured personality.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington D.C. USA.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?I like Julie’s answer: the space station. And yes that counts.

Who do you want to meet right now?Cormac McCarthy. I don’t actually want to meet him so much as I want to peer into his bathroom and watch him struggle with constipation. Only then will he become human to me.

What is the book that changed your life and why?The Time Machine by HG Wells. Abridged. It was my first window into sociological literature, and the first book I had ever read that was expressing a principle through fiction. I didn’t know books could do that.

What is your dream job?I’d like to be the bikini straightener for the Miss America pageant, and it wouldn’t matter to me that each woman is a corn-fed hick who has the audacity to belch her opinion of gay marriage. My job would be to straighten bikinis.

What do you consider a fashion faux pas?I don’t really have a fashion opinion, but I once noted with distaste an old man’s balls strangled out of his Daisy Dukes. I suppose that was a faux pas. It was definitely a disagreeable lunch break. How do you not feel a refreshing breeze against your skin-taut scrotum? I know my boys would let me know.

What inspires you?People who have goals and a plan to reach them.

What do your friends call you most commonly?Max Powers, Sire, Bulging Crotch Alderete, The Man With Two Arms, Gangsta, Son of a Gun, Dirk Diggler, Sue, Fast Eddie, Danny Zuko, Pepsi Can Charlie, the Duke of Earl, Billy Ocean, Zeus Cloudgatherer, Hercules II, Zoro, Batman, Mr. Emma Stone, Mephistopheles, the Cuckolder, Champ, “Gyrating” Johnson, Clint Eastwood ca. 1966, and Carlos.

Would you prefer coffee or tea?I would choke bunny rabbits to death for coffee.

What makes you go wild?Boobies.

Which other blogs do you love visiting?I wouldn’t say that I love visiting these blogs. They’re all interesting in their own way, but I only love a handful of things (e.g. sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows). Have a gander at my blogroll. Every link there has interested some part of my humanity.

Favourite season?We don’t have seasons in Texas. There’s just a steady graying from fall to spring and then suddenly it’s 150 degrees outside. Kids keep their thirsty mouths from the first scalding blast of water from garden hoses, stray dogs burn the pads off their wandering feet, and non-natives drop dead from ill preparation. So I guess summer’s my favorite.

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?Jello shots? What am I, 15? Jesus.

What would you do if you were made President for one day?I don’t know. Start a nuclear war? I’d have to leave my mark somehow, and you’re only giving me a day. I wouldn’t want history to remember me as the aloof 45th president. That or I’d create a new holiday to commercialize. It would combine all major American holidays into one glorious day of consumerism. I’d call it “Patriot’s Month.” Wait, am I going to get shot? Who's my VP?

If you were a superhero with one special power, what would it be?My standard answer used to be a tie between flight and super speed, but I once posed this very question to my friend Roger, and he extended his hands over an invisible body and said, “to heal.” I like that.

Here’s my question: If you could take an anonymous revenge dump in someone’s front yard, who would it be?
"Rules for those who are tagged: respond and rework – answer these questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own, and add one more question to the list. Then tag a set of eight or ten new people."

These are the rules. I’m obviously not following them, but Sharon, I “tag” you. Make me laugh.


Julie Buz. said...

I couldn't be more happy that I tagged you, Carlos.(Or Zeus Cloudgatherer?! I saw The Rainmaker yesterday and I must admit that the image of Burt Lancaster shouting 'Rain! Rain!' somehow materialised in my mind as I read your post... )

Thanks for a fantastic laugh. :o)

By the way, I was the one who changed the spellings. To tell the truth, at this particular moment I can't understand why I needed to be so painfully pendantic. But hey... um, right.

C. Andres Alderete said...

How funny! I'm glad I commented on the "ou" spelling now. Words. The things they do to us.

JennAventures said...

I also blog naked. Its liberating.

And I frequently get called "honey", "Darlin" is a new one.

Chrissy said...

I would like to be a bikini straightener, too, Dirk Diggler. I know, you could do bottoms and I'll do tops.

carma said...

your one serious answer (assuming you are not having nuts and berries for dinner) is the most telling. Oh to get inside your mind, Gangsta Sue...

Heather said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

A house any where in the world and you want it to be the White house..LMAO!

Lora said...

I'm considering starting my own hydroponic garden. Seriously.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I vividly remember stealing my brother's copy of The Time Machine in 3rd grade and spending every DEAR time struggling through it. (I was 8.)
I avoid the food question because I live almost 2 miles high and gardening is a bitch I don't want to know. Except Kale. I'd grow Kale. I hear its easy to do. But you can't eat that every day. And I'd hunt. But I'm pregnant and I can't get away from the image of my first hunt being 9 months pregnant and skinning an elk in the mountains. I can't ski, and I happen to have just inherrited a rifle. It could happen. Maybe I'll start with hares.

C. Andres Alderete said...

The image of a pregnant woman skinning an elk appeals to some primal unmet need in me. I'll have to reflect.

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