Friday, February 5, 2010

On Mark Bittman

I think the term "asshole" is probably the most offensive of all insults. Think about it. To be called an asshole is to be called a hole in somebody's gluteus maximus or ass. "You hole in the ass!" See what I mean? "You intestinal lip!" "Kiss me, you puckering sphincter from which stinking coils of brown excrement emerge!"
That being said, I think Mark Bittman, New York Times columist and author of The Minimalist Cooks Dinner, is a total asshole for making me spend two miserable hours preparing his mediocre "Linguine with Tomato-Anchovy Sauce" without instructing me how to properly remove anchovy meat from the fillet's skeleton. Do you know how many bones are in a single anchovy? Lots. Minimalist, my eye, you asshole.

9 comments:

linda o said...

you do realize that you can eat the bones, right? asshole.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Bittman told me to de-meat the bastards. But yes, I ate plenty of bones.

sjayk said...

Assholes of the world unite! Would that be one giant asshole, or many tangential assholes, much like a Kandinsky painting with spheres of sphincters bumping to and fro? I have no idea. But, I do know this, I've never seen an anchovy asshole because they're so incredibly small. Microfiche. Maybe their assholes are better served minced. Too many assholes, or just too anal?

C. Andres Alderete said...

Jay, if all the assholes of the world united, they'ed form the cellular composition of a single Republican politician. In Texas. Running for governor. Incumbent.

f8hasit said...

Wow.
I'm impressed. Anchovy bones or no anchovy bones, you spent two hours cooking dinner?
:-)

Julie Buz. said...

After I looked up the meaning of 'schmuck', it became no. 1 on my worst insults list. Strange or not, I don't think I've ever used it on anyone.

Try a vegetarian dinner next time - no bones, and it can most probably be eaten raw. :o)

Phillipia said...

I love anchovies, with or without bones - who debones them???

C. Andres Alderete said...

It only took two hours because I'm an incompetent chef, Nancy.

I'm an omnivore, Julie. My food must drip blood and unrealized dreams.

Phillipia, apparently Mark Bittman debones them, and he's teaching legions of morons to do the same.

Heather said...

Such an awful word, but sometimes it just applies.

I have never had an anchovy and wouldn't have a clue how to debone one. Kudos to you for putting in the patience to last two hours, I would have givin up out of frustration!

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