Thursday, May 6, 2010

Austin, a Pictorial (The Critter Edition)

This here’s a Texas Spiny Lizard. I saw it outside Mozart’s, one of the coolest coffee shops in Austin. There I was, clicking in my sandals back to my car, To-Go coffee in hand, computer bag on my shoulder, when it scurried across my path. Had I been a lesser man, a girly shriek might have accompanied my defensive leap from the 7-8 inch beast, but I’m exceptionally macho. I fearlessly snapped these pictures instead. It’s only natural to dash from sudden creatures, no? I once blasted through a waist-deep tributary when I heard thrashing in the tall brush beside me. It turned out to be a beaver but I didn’t know that at the time. Hell, I’d probably still run from a beaver. It’s a beaver for Christ’s sake. Those things chomp through whole trees. You think our superior opposable thumbs are any match against X pounds of pressure from a beaver bite? I stand by my cowardice. What if it had been a stalking cougar? You would have run too. Or what if it had been a javelina protecting her baby pigs? I’d be dead, that’s what. All you jerks who stand unmoved by surprises would be naturally selected off the goddamned planet if the apocalyptic shit were to hit the fan tomorrow and animals were to regain control of the planet, so why don’t you stop acting like a bunch of badasses and do your little ballerina kick like the rest of us when a lizard unexpectedly runs in front of you. But I digress.

Addendum: Inspired by this lizard encounter, I’ve decided to make my Halloween puppet, “Crippling Hatred Dressed as Sarah Palin,” one of the lizard people. It’ll all make sense in time. See previous post if you don’t know what I’m talking about.


f8hasit said...

girly shriek
You know you gave one. It just wasn't out loud.


Chrissy said...

I would never make it in the wild. I started at these for 5 minutes before I even saw the lizard.

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