Despite my . . . distaste for text and chat acronyms, I recognize that they’re here to stay, probably the same way writers a century ago surrendered to written contractions like “they’re” or the more locally cringing “y’all.” So, I’ve decided to create a menu of e-acronyms that I’d be more comfortable using in an email to, say, my sister who sends messages via an alien technology known as “Blackberries.” Feel free to submit more but remember, folks, this is a family blog:
1. LOF – a play on the traditional “Laugh(ing) Out Loud” or LOL, LOF is the more humanizing “Laughed Out a Fart.”
2. LOS – may be regarded as a continuation of LOF but with a far more sobering meaning: “Laughed Out a Shart.”* LOS has no equivalent in current electronic abbreviations and must not be associated in any way with the second syllable of my first name.
3. LMPO – is the culmination of the “Laugh” trilogy that unlike the vulgar and child-unfriendly “Laughing My Ass Off” or LMAO, describes a post-sharting situation “Laughing My Pants Off.”
4. TLLIF – replaces the most rasping and misappreciated of acronyms, “Thank God It’s Friday,” or TGIF, to “Thank Labor Laws It’s Friday.” “Thank God” it’s Sunday, okay? Leave the business week to raging atheists. And thanking “Gosh” won’t solve the problem either. Have you ever met a Gosh? You haven't because it’s an informal part of speech, and you can’t thank it. Disney’s Goofy said it a lot, if we’re making connections; thank Goofy it’s Friday. It seems he’s only two degrees from divinity.
4.5. TGIF – “Thank Goofy It’s Friday.” See “TLLIF.
5. GSM – following the dismantling of TGIF, “Great Scott, Marty!” pounds the melodramatically tweener “OMG!” to a gurgling death and simultaneously appeases my sense of 80s popular culture/love and devotion for Dr. Emmitt Brown.
6. BTW – stays. I like and use BTW. Writing it out involves hyphens and my fingers don’t have the muscle memory for hyphens.
7. FYI – at first glace appears identical to its original “For Your Information” (which I hate, btw), but it’s not. The new FYI stands for “For Your Indoctrination” because what is information if not ideological “mind bullets” of war? The beauty of the FYI is its paradoxical divisiveness, for all information has its opposition, FYI. I am chaos manifested.
On second thought, if we’re going for recognizables, why not just embrace it? I maen, witrten lgnaugae is jsut sbmolys aynawy, rgiht? Deos Aemracin Egnlsih relaly need phnotecis? It mhgit hvae tkaen you a soencd but I’ll wgear y’roue raendig tihs jsut fnie, and ayntinhg you mhgit hvae terid sunodnig out wulod hvae wrkeod aigasnt you. In raletiy, porunnaicotin cnoecnrs iseltf wtih new wrdos olny and to be hnoset, my vcaoblaruy is arelday petrty mxead out. I gesus yu’od need the funodtoian, tohguh.
Phrepas I suhlod try wirtnig my rsémué lkie tihs sncie apraplteny no one is rdaineg the dman tinhg aynawy. Jerks.
*A “shart,” as defined by Urbandictionary.com, is “When one farts and a little shit comes out.”
Addendum: I also hate smiley faces and winks but admittedly, things don’t always translate electronically so I’ll concede their necessity. I will, however, introduce a personalized variation that a creative ex-girlfriend once assigned to my physical features and personality:
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