Thursday, July 15, 2010

Chat acronyms and general discontent

Despite my . . . distaste for text and chat acronyms, I recognize that they’re here to stay, probably the same way writers a century ago surrendered to written contractions like “they’re” or the more locally cringing “y’all.” So, I’ve decided to create a menu of e-acronyms that I’d be more comfortable using in an email to, say, my sister who sends messages via an alien technology known as “Blackberries.” Feel free to submit more but remember, folks, this is a family blog:

1. LOF – a play on the traditional “Laugh(ing) Out Loud” or LOL, LOF is the more humanizing “Laughed Out a Fart.”
2. LOS – may be regarded as a continuation of LOF but with a far more sobering meaning: “Laughed Out a Shart.”* LOS has no equivalent in current electronic abbreviations and must not be associated in any way with the second syllable of my first name.
3. LMPO – is the culmination of the “Laugh” trilogy that unlike the vulgar and child-unfriendly “Laughing My Ass Off” or LMAO, describes a post-sharting situation “Laughing My Pants Off.”
4. TLLIF – replaces the most rasping and misappreciated of acronyms, “Thank God It’s Friday,” or TGIF, to “Thank Labor Laws It’s Friday.” “Thank God” it’s Sunday, okay? Leave the business week to raging atheists. And thanking “Gosh” won’t solve the problem either. Have you ever met a Gosh? You haven't because it’s an informal part of speech, and you can’t thank it. Disney’s Goofy said it a lot, if we’re making connections; thank Goofy it’s Friday. It seems he’s only two degrees from divinity.
4.5. TGIF – “Thank Goofy It’s Friday.” See “TLLIF.
5. GSM – following the dismantling of TGIF, “Great Scott, Marty!” pounds the melodramatically tweener “OMG!” to a gurgling death and simultaneously appeases my sense of 80s popular culture/love and devotion for Dr. Emmitt Brown.
6. BTW – stays. I like and use BTW. Writing it out involves hyphens and my fingers don’t have the muscle memory for hyphens.
7. FYI – at first glace appears identical to its original “For Your Information” (which I hate, btw), but it’s not. The new FYI stands for “For Your Indoctrination” because what is information if not ideological “mind bullets” of war? The beauty of the FYI is its paradoxical divisiveness, for all information has its opposition, FYI. I am chaos manifested.

On second thought, if we’re going for recognizables, why not just embrace it? I maen, witrten lgnaugae is jsut sbmolys aynawy, rgiht? Deos Aemracin Egnlsih relaly need phnotecis? It mhgit hvae tkaen you a soencd but I’ll wgear y’roue raendig tihs jsut fnie, and ayntinhg you mhgit hvae terid sunodnig out wulod hvae wrkeod aigasnt you. In raletiy, porunnaicotin cnoecnrs iseltf wtih new wrdos olny and to be hnoset, my vcaoblaruy is arelday petrty mxead out. I gesus yu’od need the funodtoian, tohguh.
Phrepas I suhlod try wirtnig my rsémué lkie tihs sncie apraplteny no one is rdaineg the dman tinhg aynawy. Jerks.

*A “shart,” as defined by, is “When one farts and a little shit comes out.”

Addendum: I also hate smiley faces and winks but admittedly, things don’t always translate electronically so I’ll concede their necessity. I will, however, introduce a personalized variation that a creative ex-girlfriend once assigned to my physical features and personality:


Julie Buz. said...

Hmmm... that frowny face (not really a smiley icon, is it?) looks like it was made to represent an intensely handsome Texasman fighting his alligator sarcasm/conservatism. :oP

I have two links for you: the first is to a Facebook group that my best friend from high school started as a revolution against LOL (!/group.php?gid=257779843723&ref=ts), the second is an article by a lippy girl whose first paragraph will kill you(

I'd laugh out a shart in your honor right now, but I can't because I'm a girl and I only fart rose petals: FRP-FRP-FRP. ;o)

C. Andres Alderete said...

That's what I said, Julie. Anything with a solid eyebrow is pretty much gorgeous |:)
Checked out the links and am now a fan of starbucksbreaks. Lastly, women don't poop. They "honey," so I've been told.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I HATE acronyms and the fact that any time you're naming an organization now you have to think of how the accronym will be pronounced. I hate their overuse in workplaces that make it impossible for clients/outsiders to know what you're talking about. I just find it irritating. I also find fancy phones irritating. But that's because I hate communicating by phone.

f8hasit said...

Interesting. Your second paragraph looks like my three martini typing. Even spell check can't decipher....but amazingly enough, I CAN read it. What does that tell you?

And I also hate acronyms. Mainly because I don't get them. It took me forever to figure out what people meant when writing LMAO. Didn't get it. Still don't quite. But sounds like wonderful fad diet...I laughed my ass off and lost 10 pounds!

Oh..sorry. You hate those.

Alex said...

OMG, WTF? :(


Actually, I hate them, too. I'm the person who texts in full sentences with correct punctuation.

Heather said...

TGIF..Thank goodness its friday! OMGoodness.
All gods have been subsituted with goodness and asses to tush(y)(ies).

Sorry I use the LOL, probably way too much but I really do laugh alot and haven't found a better way to express that laughter. Haha..just doesn't seem load enough.

I still haven't gotten into making the faces.

Great list!

C. Andres Alderete said...

Miss Skier, I have a flip phone with the texting service disabled. It's just a phone. I feel your pain. Also, did you know that NAZI is an acronym? True story.

It tells me I'm right, Nancy. I always think Lame-O when considering LMAO.

Blast, Alex! I forgot WTF on my hit list. Oh well.

Heather, I'm experiencing a little resentment for your negating my God rant >:|

carma said...

BTW, thank you for retaining BTW. I use it a lot -- along with plenty of SMILEYS :-) :D

carma said...

GMS!!!! I did not realize I used BTW in my comment on your previous post over a week ago until after I left the comment above. That is kewl. How do you feel about the use of kewl? I personally do not like using it but I notice many of the kewl kids do.

Chindiana said...

Great list Carlos! Something I always wanted to do but never got around to.

And yes scarily I managed to read thorough your experiment in wordplay. Does that mean we are all clairvoyant?

Chindiana said...

Oh and another thing, some of the lady folk who read my blog think you're a very ruggedly handsome man. I think you may already have some admiring Malaysian women secretly reading your rants.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Carma, I've never seen "kewl" written out, but I can tell you that I immediately hate it.

Hooray, Chindiana! My power of seduction has reached global proportions! *licking my fingers and smoothing my eyebrows*

Dreamfarm Girl said...

i have nothing clever or cool to say. can we just make an acronym out of that? I could use it alot, frankly. IHNCOCTS.
for some reason i thought the unibrow was a hat. but it makes you look too serious. i imagine you more like this,
which is supposed to capture your sarcastic, deadpan wit.

pakalolostyle said...

Dis is greit. Ai ogri uif iu. Jauever, Ai nid tu ius fonetics bicos somtaims ai laic tu urait inglish en espanish. Plos, Ai scinc mai ecsent coms scru dis uai.

C. Andres Alderete said...

I like it, Dreamfarm Girl, but the smiley icon looks vaguely French. I don't want to appear un-American.

Nice, Renee! Way to capture an accent.

jb said...

I still have no clue what most of those damn acronyms even stand for. If it weren't for spell check, people would think I was making up my own half to the time. HA!

Anonymous said...

Nice site, nice and easy on the eyes and great content too.

Related Posts with Thumbnails