Friday, July 23, 2010

Toy Story 3 and vestigial sex organs

A few days ago, I was standing in line to purchase a movie ticket. It was hot and humid and generally miserable outside. The row I fidgeted in was splintering with children and their quacking mothers, waiting for the spectacle of Toy Story 3. I watched the digital display of movies: Predators, Inception, The Last Airbender, Twilight: The Eclipse. Big budgets. Violence. Close-ups and taglines. Muscles and beautiful people. Reality. Holy shit I didn’t feel like watching any of them but I was tragically bored, experiencing writer’s block, and angry with the world. “One for Toy Story 3 please,” I husked as quietly as my voice would allow. The eyes in back of my imagination, saw women pulling their babies close. I snatched my ticket and stalked inside the theater, shoving children and suburban mothers with post-childbirthing granny haircuts out of my way.

This guy's distracted, Buzz
The movie was okay. I almost gave the introductory animated short, “Night & Day” a standing ovation. But the feature didn’t adequately whisk me away and throughout the film, I kept remembering that my savings are just about out and I still haven’t found a second job; my car is still going to cost 1,200 dollars to fix; my girlfriend still needs a new kidney; I’ll never be able to support her medical needs ever; and leg-breakers are calling me. Money. What a fucking bastard. In Toy Story 3 I was hoping to mentally regress to simpler times and with any luck get stuck there but it didn’t happen. Maybe I need to be kicked by a horse or something for that.

In other news, I’ve been working on a screenplay for several weeks now. I know what you’re thinking, “What happened to the last screenplay you said you were working on, Handsome Carlos? Or the books? Or the short stories? Or the comic book?” Well my answer to you is shut your stinking mouthhole! Those things are shelved but within reach, and I’ll get to them once I finish this screenplay. I won’t discuss the details because I’m a paranoid shut-in, jealously holding my creativity to my breast, and I don’t want any of you e-trolls stealing my stuff. *narrowing eyes and shifting them from side to side* I will say that it’s science fiction, the first of the genre I’ve ever attempted, but as an audience, you’ll only have to suspend disbelief for the premise. Everything else is within familiarity. Anyway, the story’s original and, like everything I create, awesome, but I’ll admit I’m concerned with the actual script. You know how some people are exceedingly sexy when you’re naked and panting over them but once the lights are on and your steel resolve has weakened to a vestigial noodle, you realize that that sexy object of your affection has bigger hands than you and was probably once a man? That’s my concern with this screenplay. I still feel like it’s the most relevant thing I’ve ever conceived. We’ll see.

Last and most certainly least, I’ve added a “Testimonial” page to further waste your time. Scroll to the top of this screen and you’ll see “Home/About the Genius/Networks” and now “Testimonials.” It’s a list of “quotes” (how’s that for irony?) about this masterful blog that I’ll be updating each Wednesday. You’re welcome to email me your thoughts. If they meet my elitist standards of wit, I’ll quote you and link to your page. Just don’t get all sensitive and stop visiting my blog if I tell you that you’re more of an asshole than funny.

9 comments:

Julie Buz. said...

Whoahahaha! I LOVE the testimonials page! I should read The Wall Street Journal more often.

C. Andres Alderete said...

Thank you, Julie. The Wall Street Journal is just facts.

carma said...

I have a sinking feeling I'd better refrain from using the word "kewl" in my future testimonial. Happy to hear you have not permanently shelved your previous creative endeavors...Have you seen Despicable Me yet?? I actually got a glimpse into some of my childhood issues when watching that movie. It was subtly very deep. Well, "very" may be a strong word but you get the point..

JennAventures said...

BAck when I moved to Boston I was wicked depressed and dragged myself out of the safe darkness of my apartment to go to the movies by myself to see Wall-E. I tottled off to the theatre. And was pissy. I was annoyed about my recent heartbreak. My job. Life.

Outside the room where Wall-E was playing a huge line gathered. This increased my annoyance. I wanted to leave the darkness of my apartment to get into the darkness of the movie theatre.

After ahile we were still waiting. Managers came in. Employees. Paramedics. Still we waited.

Then they wheeled out an elderly man, with his 7 year old grandson sobbing next to him. The man had died. In Wall-E. A Pixar was the last thing he saw.

My point? Life is short, create, be happy. Spend your time as you want to...

JennAventures said...

Please don't mock me for saying "wicked" in that comment. I live in Boston now it can't be helped.

C. Andres Alderete said...

I haven't seen Despicable Me yet, Carma. I was scarred by Toy Story. It sounds "kewl" though.

Thanks for the encouragement, Jenn/a (I'm just figuring out your name). That's the philosophy I've come to as well. Also, I won't mock you for saying "wicked" but I'm judging you |:)

JennAventures said...

The "Jenn" was to throw employers from looking me up and finding out how debaucherous their little blonde busty executive assistant was-particulary in rental cars. I'm "Jenna"-so I added the ventures so your mind would trip to Jenn's adventures and for the people who knew me "Jenna's Ventures" (savy business name).

Julie Buz. said...

BIGGER HANDS! Wahahahahahaha! (Or not?!) ;o)

C. Andres Alderete said...

As long as you can't beat me at arm-wrestling . . . or naked wrestling, we'll be just fine.

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