Friday, June 24, 2011

Weiner's ouster, explained; or Phantom PMS

This post was originally going to be a scathing criticism of the United States’ politicians public and theatrical buttfucking* of one another (Not unlike the stars of Jackass sneaking up on each other to buzz a track of hair from unsuspecting heads), but overwhelmed, disgusted, and embarrassed by the thorough enormity of American incompetency, I thought that instead I’d share with you a struggle of equal importance: ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk to be more specific. Every day, on my walk home from work, I pass by my “dealer” resolved to enter his store, reach into the freezer with shaky hands, make my purchase without meeting his eyes, run home to load an episode of Battlestar Galactica, and then berate my ice-cream spattered reflection after I’ve spooned to the bottom of the sugary pint and my space opera is over.** The call of New York Super Fudge Chunk is greatest around the time of what I can only describe as my phantom menstrual cycle and though it’s been five weeks that I’ve managed to resist the commanding whispers of the fiendish Ben & Jerry, every month I pray to Midol for strength.

*This would explain why Idiot Democrat Anthony Weiner was crucified for tweeting his evidently huge wang to some barely legal waitress in conservative America. Tight-assed Republicans across the country clenched in protective alarm as photos of Weiner’s mammoth wiener surfaced and previously molested GOP members emerged from the shadows of humiliation.
Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, between nurse-fed spoonfuls of soft food, is blaming illegal immigrants for starting this year’s Arizona wildfires; Mitt Romney is reinventing his image by prancing around in Mormon duds; Newt Gingrich’s dreams of becoming president are over because Jesus told Rick Perry that it’s time to ruin the education system on a national level and not just Texas; Sarah Palin is riding a bus around the country for no reason whatsoever; and Obama’s support for gay marriage is “evolving” just in time for the 2012 election. Oh, and the economy may still collapse. Sigh. I need ice cream.
**I haven’t finished the Battlestar series yet so don’t ruin it for me, you jerks.

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