Friday, July 8, 2011

What the people want.

I decided to take a break from belching my largely one-sided opinions of the world and focus in on something that Chrissy of I Shoulda Been a Stripper notoriety inspired a long time ago but which I never acted on for fear of simply being an unoriginal bastardo. Which I am.

Here it is. The following is a list, complete with commentary from yours truly, of some of the most frequent word searches that have landed faceless people from around the globe to this little ol’ blog. Actually the two with “nude” and . . . well, and “fart” in them were only searched once but they resonated in my precious brain.

captain america penny – this one is searched in several forms that often includes the word “shield” in there as well. Here’s the page it lands on. I’m happy to have the opportunity to relink to it ‘cause I drew an awesome picture of Captain America, scaled down to the size of an American penny, that nobody gave a shit about, and quite frankly, I resent you all a little for it.

vestigial sex organs – who would have thought there’d have been so many searches for this? There are. Whether or not they’re people with a vagina and a limp and useless penis, or simply online trolls, I can’t say. What I do know is that they are always linked to this page where I comment on how unimpressed I was with Toy Story 3.

nude pics european women illegal under 18 – this guy meant business, eh? I actually hesitated repeating this phrase for fear of all the other degenerates it’ll attract but then I reasoned that it’ll be fine material for my next post on the subject of word searches. More importantly, I have absolutely no idea where someone will land after googling this particular group. I wasn’t curious enough to attach my IP address to child pornography. I don’t recommend your doing it either. Just trust me when I tell you that if you type “nude pics european women illegal under 18” into a search engine, you’ll find yourself in the familiar embrace of

ABANDON SOCIETY – I’m particularly fond this one because it makes me feel less alienated. There are a lot of people curious about the subject. Unfortunately, they’re only linked to my relatively recent trip to Big Bend but at least my fellow dissidents will learn how easy it is to nearly die in the Texas desert.

fleshlight military – for those of you that didn’t know, a fleshlight is an artificial vagina disguised as a flashlight. It’s apparently popular among our men (and to be totally P.C., women) in uniform. Here's where you'll find my mention of them.

jacques pervert dejeuner du matin meaning – this one’s a little irritating. I wrote a brief analysis on a very simple French poem a couple of years ago and it’s received nonstop attention ever since. That might sound like something to celebrate, but it makes me feel like a hack for not coming up with anything original that produces the same results. In fact, I'm not even linking you to it, so there.

tired of capitalism – this one has diverted lots of traffic to various pages. Most recently, this one, but it’s most frequently taken peeps to the Big Bend posts. Either way, I’m glad to see people searching this phrase because, although civilization will likely collapse under the reigns of ironically unbridled capitalism, I, too, am tired of capitalism, my comrade.

asshole close up mid fart – I have no explanation for this one but it’s haunted me since my eyes first bugged out of my head at its initial reading. What a curious individual! I hope this young man’s quest for knowledge led him to further questions or at least college, for God’s sake. I’m afraid his search most likely turned up nothing, however. See, capturing an asshole, close-up and in mid-flatulence is a holy grail of depraved improbabilities. The image that it birthed in my mind, and which I am now going to plant into yours, is one of a puckered anus bulging outward on one side, but in order to capture that expulsive moment, there’d have to be some cheeky spreadage, no? In doing so you’d negate that flapping bubbly sound that reverberates into hardwood, seat cushions, and the ergonomics of a molded plastic chair. Again, I’m not exactly sure where this search landed our inquisitive googler, but he surely was inundated with just a bunch of boring old pictures of buttholes with fantastic claims of gas passage. We’ll never know.

Happy googling, everyone.
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