“Despite my best efforts, C. Andres was completely oblivious to all the thinly veiled homo-eroticism of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and instead gravitated toward the show’s irritating spinoff, She-Ra. . . . AH HAHAHAHAHA!” –Skeletor, ambitious conquerer of Eternia

“Carlos is a judgmental prick.” – Carma Sez, channeling the vengeful spirit of Lance Armstrong's amputated testicle

“Ground Control, there’s something wrong with my communication panel. TheTiredOne.com is the last website I am able to access while sitting in this tin can, far above the world. Is there anything that can be done about that? Ground Control?” – Major Tom, astronaut

“He earned a satisfactory score on the Personality, Aptitude, and Integrity pre-employment assessment, (Something that Roger failed once) but he was still really pissed off all the time. We didn’t anticipate that.” –Former supervisor, Bed Bath & Beyond

“I hate blacks, browns, yellows, and reds. I also hate the gays, the Jews, M. Night Shyamalan, the mothers of my children, my bloated alcoholic’s face, and all of Rhode Island, but I love TheTiredOne.com – “Mad Maximellian” Gibson, actor/director, hater

“I’ve formulated my political principles by the teachings of TheTiredOne.com. I’ve even found contextual cues within C. Andres’ work that have taught me the associative authority of a swooping part in my coiffure. It’s kind of like Charles Manson and ‘Helter Skelter’ or Elvis Presley and . . . well I don’t know what. Either way, I’m innocent of all charges.” – Rod Blagojevich, disgraced former governor/media darling/“innocent of all charges”

“If I had a dollar for every 20 Carlitos has borrowed, I could hire a guy to have him murdered. His cousin, in fact but maybe she’d just break his legs.” – Dad

“Carlos’ shit doesn’t stink.” – Ex-girlfriend/former roommate

“Carlos needs to open and close his phone calls with ‘Chevrolet.’ This is a simple matter of ‘will over skill’ and I don’t care what he tells you, he is intentionally not branding his calls. What? What the hell is TheTireOne.com?” –Former supervisor, Aditya Birla Minacs Group; company outsourced and contracted to IBM, which is outsourced and contracted to GM (keeps unions from organizing)

“Sometimes I’ll drip a Lone Star into my IV bag, kick the ol’ chair into vibrate mode and scan TheTiredOne.com’s archive for socialist unrest. My only criticism is that after a day of astrophysercising, C. Andres’ intellect can at times be intimidating and inaccessible”Stephen Hawking, astrophysicist

“TheTiredOne.com has made me rethink my position as capitalist puppet. If I had to it all over again, I’d probably have just let the CEO of Phillip Morris paint that nude portrait of me when he asked and I’d have carried the mantle of Marlborough Man until the day the beans fell out of my ears. Christ I could go for some tapioca right now. What was the question?” –Ronald Reagan, reanimated corpse/former US president

“I don't care if he's Mexican or what. He's still a crackity-ass cracker. Stop, motherfucker! This is my street.” –Homeless man

“Ay, que chulo. He looks like Prince William. Verdad, Laura?” –Grandma, sweet angel

“He doesn't look like Prince William, Mother.” –Mom, killjoy

“If the blogosphere were divided into hemispheres, TheTiredOne.com would have typhoons.” –Kim Jong-Il, totalitarian dictator, North Korea

“He’s the only man, besides Kathleen Turner, that I’ve ever been attracted to.” –Rachel Maddow, MSNBC News

“Hi Carlos.” –Danny Rubin, screenwriter for Groundhog Day

“I don’t really know him but he comes into our coffee shop every day and stares at a blank Word document for hours. He also cries in his car. Does that help?” Barista, 360 Primo Coffee  

“Even though Carlos is entirely chauvinistic and he never looks past a woman’s chest, he somehow makes it work.” Judy, St. Charles Middle School, 7th grade

TheTiredOne.com makes me lactate.” Pregnant woman

C. Andres Alderete strings his subjects together like an oversized pearl necklace, pulled slowly and sensually from the red-rimmed pucker of Rush Limbaugh’s prostrate anus.” The Wall Street Journal

“Sha-ZAM!” Barack Obama, president

*This page is updated as qualified testimonials present themselves. (Usually on Wednesdays)
**Email me your thoughts. If they meet my elitist standards of wit, I’ll quote you and link to your website. Just don’t get all sensitive and stop visiting my blog if I tell you that you’re more of an asshole than funny.
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